I had wanted to write something a while back but didn't have the courage to do it. Then one day a couple of weeks ago Dewayne says, "I got a call from a guy today asking if you wanted to sell your gun." I said, "What? What do you mean, why would I sell my gun?" He said, "Well he heard you tried to commit suicide, and that you couldn't have your gun." I decided then that I needed to tell what had happened. So now it's time to tell my story! I want to first give God all the glory! Then to thank my Hero, Dewayne, my children, Ashley, Heath, Abagaile and Alex, my brother, Patrick, my friend, Julie, and my father-in-law, Jackie! I couldn't have made it without all of you! You were my strength when I had none, you were my hope, when I thought it was all gone, you listened, cried, stayed with me, made sure I was safe from the ones who had hurt me! Thank you!
It was Wednesday, September 19, 2012. We had been painting, and I started on the walls in the hallway. I had been very depressed, short tempered, and angry! I was so angry at my parents for allowing my sister to do things that I thought should be taken care of differently. They wouldn't listen to what I had to say, they had lied to me and let me down. This on top of a lot of other things had me feeling hopeless, helpless, bitter and unloved! At that time Satan got control of my thoughts and tried to convince me that there was no reason to live! My life didn't matter to anyone, my kids didn't really need me, my parents didn't love me, and Dewayne would be better off without me! I was even wondering if God cared, and if He did, where was He? So I made a plan! One that would change my life forever, and those around me.
I didn't want to kill myself, I knew that for sure. I wasn't that selfish, and I didn't want to chance not making it into Heaven, but I wanted to get rid of the feelings I was feeling! I couldn't take them any longer, they were driving me crazy! I hated myself so much for feeling the things that I felt, I had to quiet those thoughts. My plan was that I would take a bunch of pills, finish painting and cleaning up, take a shower, and then call my friend Julie for help! That's what I did!
Julie called Dewayne and they couldn't get a hold of me, so they called my mother-in-law and when she got here I wasn't responding to her so she called 911. I remember a little bit of what happened next. I remember hearing a first responder saying that he was there, then I remember Julie being there and telling me she was there! The EMT's keep asking if I had tried to commit suicide, and I kept saying no, I didn't want to die, I just needed help! They took me to Washington Regional where they put me on suicide watch! My mom called Dewayne and asked what was going on and he told her, and she asked if she needed to come up there!! Dewayne told her no, he had it handled. My mom and dad did finally come up there, I was so angry with them that I didn't even want to see them, but I finally allowed them to come back. My dad cried and said he was so sorry and that he loved me. My mom told me that she loved me too, but I didn't believe them. I was so tired, so confused, and very angry! The doctors recommended me going to Spring Bridges so they could help me get my medicine under control and get me stable. I have taken antidepressants for most of my life. Then the pain pills for the fibromyalgia and the IC of the bladder. I also experience anxiety and Post Tramatic Stress Disorder! I will tell that in another blog! I agreed to go! I was in the hospital for 5 days! It was the hardest thing that I have ever had to do! I couldn't leave, it was like being in jail! They weren't giving me my meds for the fibro and bladder and muscle spasms.
This place taught me a lot about myself! I realized that I could take care of myself! I didn't have to ge dependant on anyone else! I heard the storys and the hurts of the other patients there, and I realized that there are so many people out there that have it much worse than I did. Some didn't even have a home to go to when they got out! I prayed for each person there and in the short time I was there made special friends with most of them! You become bonded with other patients, that when you leave, you feel like you are leaving a part of youself behind!
I was released on Monday, September 24th, 2012. I cried all that day! I was even more confused, I didn't understand why I felt the way I did or what was wrong with me. Dewayne was there by my side the whole time. He wouldn't leave me, he loved me, and I couldn't understand how or why he loved me! But he did! I will never have to question his love for me. I believe my kids grew up in those few days!! I was angry at myself for doing that to them, but I asked them to forgive me and they did! They are my life and I thank God for each one of them!! Julie wouldn't let me be by myself! She was here even when she could barely get out of bed herself! Patrick called everyday to make sure I was doing ok! These are the people who helped me through the roughest part of it! I love each one of you!
It has been a roller coaster ride! Each day is different! There are days when I am happy and can turn around and be angry or sad or lonely or something! I have to take it one day at a time, and know that there are people out there praying for me! I really didn't trust anyone. They could hurt me, I couldn't feel God either! Had He left me alone to deal with this? I realized a couple of days ago through a testimony of my sister-in-law, Mavis, that He is with me! That He loves me, and has never forsaken me! He will never leave me, I can put my total trust in Him!! My life has changed, I am not the same person I was 3 months ago! I feel older, tired, and that I have been fighting an ongoing battle! But God will make good out of it! That is why I wanted to put this into words! If it helps even one person, then all that I have been through will be worth it!! I have chosen the people that I am around! I have let go of some friends and made new ones! One thing that I know for certain is that God loves me, and so does my family! Thank you all who have called and prayed during these last few months! I don't know where I would be without all of it! You are true treasures and I cherish each one of you!
Did I want to die that day? The answer is probably yes! Did I want to commit suicide, the answer is no! A point was made and I will live with it for the rest of my life! There is more to my story, but it will wait for another time! God Bless!
