My Journey, My Testimony!

My journey, my testimony!! For so long I was afraid to write things that made me, me! Afraid of what people would or might think, afraid of being looked down upon! There are several things that have happened in my life that make me person I am, but the first one I need to tell is what happened three months ago that changed my life.

I had wanted to write something a while back but didn't have the courage to do it.  Then one day a couple of weeks ago Dewayne says, "I got a call from a guy today asking if you wanted to sell your gun." I said, "What? What do you mean, why would I sell my gun?" He said, "Well he heard you tried to commit suicide, and that you couldn't have your gun." I decided then that I needed to tell what had happened. So now it's time to tell my story! I want to first give God all the glory! Then to thank my Hero, Dewayne, my children, Ashley, Heath, Abagaile and Alex, my brother, Patrick, my friend, Julie, and my father-in-law, Jackie! I couldn't have made it without all of you! You were my strength when I had none, you were my hope, when I thought it was all gone, you listened, cried, stayed with me, made sure I was safe from the ones who had hurt me! Thank you!

It was Wednesday, September 19, 2012. We had been painting, and I started on the walls in the hallway. I had been very depressed, short tempered, and angry! I was so angry at my parents for allowing my sister to do things that I thought should be taken care of differently. They wouldn't listen to what I had to say, they had lied to me and let me down. This on top of a lot of other things had me feeling hopeless, helpless, bitter and unloved! At that time Satan got control of my thoughts and tried to convince me that there was no reason to live! My life didn't matter to anyone, my kids didn't really need me, my parents didn't love me, and Dewayne would be better off without me! I was even wondering if God cared, and if He did, where was He? So I made a plan! One that would change my life forever, and those around me.

I didn't want to kill myself, I knew that for sure. I wasn't that selfish, and I didn't want to chance not making it into Heaven, but I wanted to get rid of the feelings I was feeling! I couldn't take them any longer, they were driving me crazy! I hated myself so much for feeling the things that I felt, I had to quiet those thoughts. My plan was that I would take a bunch of pills, finish painting and cleaning up, take a shower, and then call my friend Julie for help! That's what I did!

Julie called Dewayne and they couldn't get a hold of me, so they called my mother-in-law and when she got here I wasn't responding to her so she called 911. I remember a little bit of what happened next. I remember hearing a first responder saying that he was there, then I remember Julie being there and telling me she was there! The EMT's keep asking if I had tried to commit suicide, and I kept saying no, I didn't want to die, I just needed help! They took me to Washington Regional where they put me on suicide watch! My mom called Dewayne and asked what was going on and he told her, and she asked if she needed to come up there!! Dewayne told her no, he had it handled. My mom and dad did finally come up there, I was so angry with them that I didn't even want to see them, but I finally allowed them to come back. My dad cried and said he was so sorry and that he loved me. My mom told me that she loved me too, but I didn't believe them. I was so tired, so confused, and very angry! The doctors recommended me going to Spring Bridges so they could help me get my medicine under control and get me stable. I have taken antidepressants for most of my life. Then the pain pills for the fibromyalgia and the IC of the bladder. I also experience anxiety and Post Tramatic Stress Disorder! I will tell that in another blog! I agreed to go! I was in the hospital for 5 days! It was the hardest thing that I have ever had to do! I couldn't leave, it was like being in jail! They weren't giving me my meds for the fibro and bladder and muscle spasms.

This place taught me a lot about myself! I realized that I could take care of myself! I didn't have to ge dependant on anyone else! I heard the storys and the hurts of the other patients there, and I realized that there are so many people out there that have it much worse than I did. Some didn't even have a home to go to when they got out! I prayed for each person there and in the short time I was there made special friends with most of them! You become bonded with other patients, that when you leave, you feel like you are leaving a part of youself behind!

I was released on Monday, September 24th, 2012. I cried all that day! I was even more confused, I didn't understand why I felt the way I did or what was wrong with me. Dewayne was there by my side the whole time. He wouldn't leave me, he loved me, and I couldn't understand how or why he loved me! But he did! I will never have to question his love for me. I believe my kids grew up in those few days!! I was angry at myself for doing that to them, but I asked them to forgive me and they did! They are my life and I thank God for each one of them!! Julie wouldn't let me be by myself! She was here even when she could barely get out of bed herself! Patrick called everyday to make sure I was doing ok! These are the people who helped me through the roughest part of it! I love each one of you!

It has been a roller coaster ride! Each day is different! There are days when I am happy and can turn around and be angry or sad or lonely or something! I have to take it one day at a time, and know that there are people out there praying for me! I really didn't trust anyone. They could hurt me, I couldn't feel God either! Had He left me alone to deal with this? I realized a couple of days ago through a testimony of my sister-in-law, Mavis, that He is with me! That He loves me, and has never forsaken me! He will never leave me, I can put my total trust in Him!! My life has changed, I am not the same person I was 3 months ago! I feel older, tired, and that I have been fighting an ongoing battle! But God will make good out of it! That is why I wanted to put this into words! If it helps even one person, then all that I have been through will be worth it!! I have chosen the people that I am around! I have let go of some friends and made new ones! One thing that I know for certain is that God loves me, and so does my family! Thank you all who have called and prayed during these last few months! I don't know where I would be without all of it! You are true treasures and I cherish each one of you!

Did I want to die that day? The answer is probably yes! Did I want to commit suicide, the answer is no! A point was made and I will live with it for the rest of my life! There is more to my story, but it will wait for another time! God Bless!

Leaving for the Unknown!

I loved living in South Dakota! In a little town called Dupree! I was only six went we left and moved to Arkansas, it was very hard on me even at that young age! Everything I knew was in that town! My Dad owned the only grocery store in the town! You would have to go to Rapid City to do major shopping, doctor or dentist! It may be just my imagination, but I felt peace there! My family was there, cousins, aunts and uncles, and my grandmothers! When I think back, all I can recall are sweet memories and love! I remember the day we left, I was looking out of the back window, waving goodbye to the people I loved! I can still feel what I felt then! It was like tearing my insides out! We were going to the unknown, where I had no friends, no family. I was scared, I don't know if I ever let my parents know that or not! I loved our home there, I loved walking to the grocery store and getting a treat, and the snow!!! As a child it was wonderful! God brought good things to me though living in Arkansas! His Son Jesus, my husband, Dewayne, and my three beautiful children: Ashley, Abagaile, and Alexander! An amazing son-in-law, Heath, my in laws, my best friends that are here. I thank God for His goodness and mercy!! I know He has a great plan, but this is just one of the things that changed me. I don't know what my life would have been like if we would have stayed. I wouldn't trade my life for anything, but it just seems like after we left, life was kinda a blur from then on. Life changes us, for the better or the worse, we have to take it in stride and deal with what is handed to us, and try to make it better. That's what I tried to do. To the best of my ability! I know there were times that I failed, and there were times that I succeeded. I just missed my family so much, and it did take a toll on me. But here I am 36 years later, and I can still remember being that little girl, with white pig tails, wearing boots, hanging out with my cousins, my grandma, and aunts and uncles, being happy!!
But I also love my life now and it took me 36 years to get here! I love You God for ALWAYS being there for me no matter where I am at. You are my strength, my Rock, and my Salvation!!

No More Negativity!!!

It's not been a good day today!! I have been dealing with fibro flare-ups, people disappointing me, my crazy family, as in sister, hurting spiritually, emotionally, and physically!! I am going to let myself have one more pity party and then that's it!! No more negativity in my life!!!! Life is too short to feel this way! I want my life to represent the Joy of Christ and the way that I have felt the last couple of days sure hasn't been like that! Somebody might even question if I was truly a Christian, gosh I might even question it! But I know in my heart of hearts that I am!! That is the one thing that I am sure of! That and that I have an awesome husband, and kids!! They are my treasures!

If you live in this household, you know where you stand with each other, even if it hurts your feelings! That is the way Dewayne has always been, and he has passed it down to all of our children!! Me, I wear my feelings on my sleeve, so I get hurt a lot, but I am learning!! If you don't want the answer, don't ask the question!! LOL!

So from now on, there is only positive things, if it's not positive, it's out of here!! If you can't say something positive, shut your mouth! If it's going to bring me down, don't want it!! We are not wealthy as far as money goes, but when it comes to love and friendship, I would say we were millionaires!! We stick together, come hell or high water, we are there for each other! I married my soul mate, the man of my dreams, my knight and shining armor, MY HERO!!! And then we had three amazing children, each who are gifted in different ways, each who are so much like their daddy that sometimes it's scary, but I wouldn't have it any other way! Then we were blessed with an amazing son-in-law, who thinks my daughter is the best thing in his life!! I love Heath like he was my own child and praise God for him!

Each day is a new beginning, a new start, a new day to be a blessing to my Heavenly Father and to others!! That is my goal, that is why I was put here on earth for! Many times I feel inferior to others, like I am not a good enough person, and I put a wall up! I deal with jealousy and discontentment!! I see others that have more STUFF than we have, who seem not to struggle with paying their bills, and I wonder why we have it so hard sometimes! Then Dewayne reminds me of all the medical bills that we have had to pay out, and then I am amazed that this man has stuck with me through all of my illnesses and surgeries, and I feel very humbled and blessed! Who needs STUFF when I have Dewayne? I wouldn't trade him for anything in this world!! He is my rock that keeps me grounded! I realize how much he has taught me, how he has made me a better person!!

This is my journey, I realize that everything that I have been through in life has brought me more peace. I think of one my favorite verses: Philippians 4:7, And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall KEEP your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus!!!

Only God can bring me true peace, so if I do the things that Philipians 4:8&9 says I can only stay positive, and those things are: Finally brethen, whatsover things are true, whatsover things are honest, whatsover things are just, whatsover things are pure, whatsover things are lovely, whatsover things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you!

Verse 11 says: Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsover state I am, therewith to be content. 12: I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and the be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. 13: I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHICH STRENGTHENETH ME!!!! This is what I am learning!! It's not easy, but there is no greater gift than peace and contentment!!

Thank you to my family, my friends and most especially to God for allowing me to be me! I love you all!!

I Just Want To Worship You, Lord!!

Lord with everything that I am and have, my main goal is to worship you each and everyday!! Even when I don't feel like it. There are days that all I want to do is worship you, and then there are the days that it's even hard to muster up a "Thank You Jesus" day! Why is that? I know that if I don't worship you the trees and rocks will, everyday!! With or without me! It's been a hard month! From just over doing to my best friend's mother passing on! There are a lot of emotions that I keep suppressed that have risen up! I have had dreams, and feelings that I usually just keep pushed down! But I know with You, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!!. Just like the movie, 'Facing the Giants' when the coach asks his players, "What is impossible with God?" and they each say, "NOTHING"!!! Each day should be a joyous day, a day to figure out What can I do to Worship YOU this day?!!!! I might just make a plaque that says just that! "Today is a new day, what can I do for You today Jesus to worship You!" 

I need to surround myself with positive things, and if a negative thing tries to get in, I will push it out, or tell it goodbye, or I don't need that negativity in my life!! I think that is what I am going to try to do, and see how it works!

I need to have total Faith and Trust in You! You have everything planned out! You have a perfect plan, if we would just stop and listen to You instead of everything that goes on around us! We have to much business and chatter all of the time. We let life just pass us by without realizing just how important TODAY is! 

TODAY: We could change a life, make a difference, help someone that we wouldn't normally, SMILE, love one another, not judge each other, take a breath, tell our loved ones that we love them and why!! We could read a book, pet our dog or cat, bask in the sunshine, dance in the rain, really stop and look at the rainbow, star-gaze, feel the wind move our hair, smell the fresh air, love ourselves, skip a rock across the water, tell someone that You, Jesus, love them!! Laugh until our bellies hurt, I did that today with my best friend!!! It's amazing what laughter can do for you! The Bible says it's the best medicine!! I would have to agree!! Color with crayons, spend time with the elderly, talk baby talk to a little one, listen to some good music and dance like no one is watching!! We could take a walk, listen to the birds sing, just stop what we are doing and really listen to our children!! Make our husbands a glass of tea when they come home from work, paint a room, jump into a pile of leaves, have a snowball fight, play catch or throw a Frisbee, run on the beach, pick up seashells, let the waves crash into us and laugh until we have no strength left, I have done that one before too!!! Today we can just lift up our hands and say, "THANK YOU JESUS FOR THIS DAY, AND FOR LOVING ME AND DYING FOR ME. I WORSHIP YOU TODAY LORD!!!!" 

God gives us a new day everyday! I am going to try my hardest not to waste one more day!

James 4:14-Whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away.

1Peter 1:8- Whom having not seen, ye love; in whom though now ye see him not, yet believing, ye rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory.

This is my favorite song right at this moment, and I think it pretty much sums up everything that I have said:

Today Lord, I worship You!! I love You!

Peace for today

Wow! I can't believe it is already August! It has been so hot and dry! They are saying this is comparable to the Dust Bowl! All you can do is try to stay cool!

We have been working on my meds the past couple of months, trying to see what works and what doesn't! Do you ever just get tired of going to the doctor? I sure do! It is hard to tell what is normal anymore! The only thing that stays constant in my life is my Lord and Savior! I don't know what I would do without Him! He is the only one that can bring me peace, and peace is what I need most right now!! Life is so confusing, so messed up! From our government, to other Christians and their beliefs, to everyday life! It seems like it's a struggle everyday! I know we are getting closer to the end times, and I have already said twice this week that I wish Jesus would just come! Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining, well maybe a little bit, but I am so thankful of my Father who guides and directs my path! I vear off of it at times, but He is always faithful to guide me back!

I found these two songs that pretty much sums me up right now at this stage of my life!!

Psalms 17:5-9 Hold up my goings in thy paths, that my footsteps slip not. I have called upon thee, for thou wilt hear me, O God: incline thine ear unto me, and hear my speech. Shew thy marvelous loving-kindness, O thou that savest by thy right hand them which put their trust in thee from those that rise up against them. Keep me as the apple of the eye, hide me under the shadow of thy wings.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nMvjnnIR9xI&feature=player_detailpage

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6_oTp6xheM8&feature=player_detailpage

Memories have been coming to me the last couple of weeks! Some good, some not so good! Some that I want to shout to the world and some that I just want to keep hidden in my heart! Some are amazing, some hurt to the core, but all are confusing. What is in your plan God? I wait! I need to grow stronger in You! I need to always trust in You! I just wonder what You are doing, and am I responding in the way that You would want me to? I pray so. I don't want to disappoint You at anytime! So I wait! I think of my favorite verse: Isaiah 40:31-- But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run, and not be weary, and they shall walk, and not faint! I love You God!

My Hero!

My true Hero! My husband, Dewayne! That is after God! God brought Dewayne into my life, to save me from myself! I was on a road to destruction. I didn't care if I lived or died! It had been about 3 months since Vance was killed in a four-wheel accident! We had been married for only 5 weeks to the date of his death. I prayed, asked, begged God to help me through this. I was only 19 years old, not old enough to know how to handle my grief, but maybe you never are old enough to know what to do with grief! The grief that takes your breath away and you just want to crawl into a ball and not let anybody in, or love anyone else, because what if they are taken from you, too! God heard my cry, and a few weeks later, Dewayne was in my life! Did I get what people said? He's only been dead for 3 months, and she's already with somebody else? YES!!! But God knew what I needed, and He brought him into my life! He saved my life! Three months later we were married, November 30th we will have been married for 22 years! Besides my salvation, Dewayne was the best gift that God could have given me! I needed him despertly!! I still do! He told me when we got married that all that he would ask of me is to be on the other side of the river holding a towel for him! Having his back, taking care of him, loving him more than myself! Have I fulfilled that promise? Sometimes, but I also let him down! I am only human, but I hate when I hurt him, so I try to always be in his corner, cheering him on, and Praising God for a miracle! Jackie Dewayne Uselton, I love you with all my heart, soul, and mind! Thank you for being my hero!